Cock Blocks & Pixel Pussies

When you're in a long-distance relationship which started out as a sexually active one, it's hard to ignore the physical desires you both share for each other. The most obvious solution is cyber sex, or if you're still living in the 90's (say hi to Nirvana for me), phone sex.

[caption id="attachment_126" align="aligncenter" width="450"] "We LITERALLY had phone sex that night"[/caption]

While nowhere near as good as actual sex, it goes a long way in helping eradicate some of the sexual frustration. The first time I tried phone sex I was as smooth as trying to rub an arse against some sandpaper. I stumbled trying to find the sexiest words and craft the sexiest imagery with those words. Often I had to lie, because I didn't think anyone would find me in Sonic The Hedgehog underpants sexy. It was somewhat a disaster, but my then-girlfriend soldiered on, trying to masturbate to this awkward attempt at being an impromptu sex line.

As I grew more confident and picked up some more sexy vocabulary, I then discovered Skype. Less words, more visuals. This was more my style. An adolescence filled with pixelated naked women on 56k dial-up prepared me for the blockiness of cybersex. I felt at home.

[caption id="attachment_127" align="aligncenter" width="412"] Oh baby, you've got some squares on you![/caption]

Internet got better and better, and so did cybersex. I was no longer masturbating to what could've been a Pac Man game. I was masturbating to a somewhat PS1 era version of my girlfriend. It was like the first time we saw Lara Croft. Nobody pointed out the fact that Lara had triangular boobs. The only thing that was important was that she had boobs. Three dimensional boobs.

Aaaand while we now have HD boobs rendered with hundreds of computers, cybersex hasn't gone very far, especially in Brunei. Ridiculously bad internet speeds are an injustice to people masturbating to each other all over the country. Surely if the heads of the telco companies had to endure a month of pixelated cybersex, they'd resolve to fix this incredibly important problem immediately.

DST, get on it!