Sex, Drugs, and Squares

I don't take recreational drugs. Well, at least not regularly. I've only ever bought drugs once, and that was in Amsterdam, legally. Other times I'm just freeloading from my housemates, who are infinitely more amusing when they're high. We even started having a 'quote' book just to write in the ridiculous things people say when stoned.

One of the reasons I don't buy weed for myself is because I rarely get stoned from smoking joints. A little chilled, maybe even a little high, but never full-out stoned. My tolerance towards anything mind-altering is something I've known for a while. While I don't drink much, it takes a whole lot of alcohol for me to end up giving free hugs to homeless people and grinding with two men I don't know on the floor at a dodgy nightclub.

[caption id="attachment_90" align="aligncenter" width="510" caption="Like this, but all-male and less sex appeal"][/caption]

You know how people say when you're drunk, you get hornier but your sex organs don't function too well? That's half true for me. Usually after an unusually drunk night out (I don't have many of these, honest) the sex is more like a rumpus than a session of love-making.

The one thing I've never experienced while drunk is actually getting blacked out and not remembering anything from the night before. I've recorded a friend having sex in the students union toilet with someone we just met a few hours ago on video. I've rolled in cold, freezing mud with friends on an especially muddy field. I've sleighed down a snowy hill with a food tray. I've somersaulted onto concrete floors. I've kissed sweaty, shirtless, bearded men. In fact, for some of these I didn't even need alcohol (I'll let you decide which ones).

Now I'm aware that my drunk experiences might be mild compared to some of the more hardcore binge-drinkers. But this isn't a contest, so shut up.

Back to my time in Amsterdam. While we were there, we got space cakes, which is weed baked to make a cake. It's not the most delicious thing in the world, tasting like a mixture of corpse ash (not that I would know how that would taste like) and badly-made cake. My girlfriend and I bought it in a coffee shop somewhere in the Amsterdam city centre for less than 10 euros for two pieces.

[caption id="attachment_87" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Duuude, this is good coffee"][/caption]

Okay, before you ask, no, we did not go to Amsterdam because of the lax drug laws there (well, now it's not that relaxed anymore). In fact, we went to more art galleries than the marijuana-selling coffee shops. Now, let's return to the weed.

We were told that it usually takes an hour to take effect. And boy, did it. We were safe in the comfort of our hotel room when suddenly everything around me morphed into mosaics. It was like the whole room was made of 3-d pixels and I was in some sort of trippy music video for an 8-bit, chiptune band from New York. I felt like I was in a videogame in the 80's.

I was surprised because I didn't even know this could be a result of taking marijuana. I had assumed that all you got was very, very high and very, very chilled. At least that's what all the Bob Marley songs told me.

[caption id="attachment_91" align="aligncenter" width="510" caption="Like this, but with more pixels exploding in every direction, and oh, more sex"][/caption]

But no, I felt like the baker had secretly put in LSD or some shit like that. It was a colorful explosion of ever-morphing squares. And it wasn't just my visual experience that became affected. For a while, the only word I could say was 'squares'. I could process what my girlfriend was saying to me perfectly, but when I replied, all that came out was "squares squares squares, squares! squares squares?"

And that wasn't the best bit. The best bit was when my girlfriend decided that it would be the best time to give me a blowjob. And boy, there never was a righter decision made.

The mind-fucking euphoria of experiencing a million rainbow-coloured squares and the sensual overload of a mistress of oral sex at work combined to give what was one of the best single experiences of my life. I felt like I've reached an impossible level of pleasure, not meant to be experienced by a mere human being.

When I ejaculated, I saw millions of tiny squares shooting out of my penis, forming a gloriously pixelated fountain of colours. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed.

And that is one of the reasons why I really, really love blowjobs so much.

EDIT: Most of these stories on this post are from when I was studying overseas. So you know, don't go looking for dodgy nightclubs, snowy hills and homeless people in Brunei.