You're A Wanker

Men masturbating/tugging the dolphin/having a wank/shining their shoes/whipping a quick one/charming the snake/uncorking the bottle/playing the Wii/churning the butter/polishing the magic wand is usually an image we reserve for people who are sexually dissatisfied. We save it for the virgins, for the bachelor on a dry spell, the husband whose wife won't let him in the bedroom after a bitter game of Monopoly, the man whose girlfriend won't entertain the idea of putting a dildo up his anus.

But the fact is, most men masturbate. This applies to married men, gay boyfriends, former stars of children tv shows, leaders of an internationally-organised vendetta against war criminals. You name them, they wank.

[caption id="attachment_107" align="aligncenter" width="510" caption="Be glad that I'm only showing the top part of this photo"][/caption]

So people, do not be offended if your partner plays with his penis for self-relief once in a while. It doesn't mean your sex life sucks, or that he's not satisfied with it. Masturbation is healthy. Heck, if you're feeling adventurous, try getting off while watching each other masturbate. If you're so insecure that you find the fact that your partner can find sexual satisfaction without you (even if it's just with himself), get over yourself.

I find women masturbating to be extremely sexy. It is also a godsend whenever I can't get my girlfriend to orgasm. Even with the sex god superpowers that I have (I don't), in general it's harder for women to climax from penetrative sex (in general being the operative phrase here). That's why you hear that women have a tendency to fake their orgasms.  Women sometimes fake them to boost a man's ego, or because they are no longer in the mood and their partner has already climaxed.

You know what? I'd rather know when my girlfriend isn't having an orgasm so I know what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong. Sure, it bruises my ego. But I'd rather that than it being more harshly bruised by the sight of her running off with an athletic black man with size 16 shoes.

[caption id="attachment_108" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="You know what they say about men with big shoe sizes"][/caption]

I'm not saying you should get some ZZZZZZs or read a book while she's busy playing with her clitoris, finishing the job you didn't finish. Damn it, go help her. Kiss her nipples, nibble her ear, providing she finds that sexy. Heck, join in if you still have it in you. More than once have I ended up playing with her breasts while she sucks my cock and has one hand penetrating herself with a vibrator. That mental image just gave me an instant boner. Wait here a second while I pay the sperm bank a visit.

[caption id="attachment_109" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Well, that didn't go down too well"][/caption]

Okay, I'm back. Where was I?

Fuck this. I'm going to watch some porn while I masturbate some more.