You're A Wanker

Men masturbating/tugging the dolphin/having a wank/shining their shoes/whipping a quick one/charming the snake/uncorking the bottle/playing the Wii/churning the butter/polishing the magic wand is usually an image we reserve for people who are sexually dissatisfied. We save it for the virgins, for the bachelor on a dry spell, the husband whose wife won't let him in the bedroom after a bitter game of Monopoly, the man whose girlfriend won't entertain the idea of putting a dildo up his anus.

But the fact is, most men masturbate. This applies to married men, gay boyfriends, former stars of children tv shows, leaders of an internationally-organised vendetta against war criminals. You name them, they wank.

[caption id="attachment_107" align="aligncenter" width="510" caption="Be glad that I'm only showing the top part of this photo"][/caption]

So people, do not be offended if your partner plays with his penis for self-relief once in a while. It doesn't mean your sex life sucks, or that he's not satisfied with it. Masturbation is healthy. Heck, if you're feeling adventurous, try getting off while watching each other masturbate. If you're so insecure that you find the fact that your partner can find sexual satisfaction without you (even if it's just with himself), get over yourself.

I find women masturbating to be extremely sexy. It is also a godsend whenever I can't get my girlfriend to orgasm. Even with the sex god superpowers that I have (I don't), in general it's harder for women to climax from penetrative sex (in general being the operative phrase here). That's why you hear that women have a tendency to fake their orgasms.  Women sometimes fake them to boost a man's ego, or because they are no longer in the mood and their partner has already climaxed.

You know what? I'd rather know when my girlfriend isn't having an orgasm so I know what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong. Sure, it bruises my ego. But I'd rather that than it being more harshly bruised by the sight of her running off with an athletic black man with size 16 shoes.

[caption id="attachment_108" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="You know what they say about men with big shoe sizes"][/caption]

I'm not saying you should get some ZZZZZZs or read a book while she's busy playing with her clitoris, finishing the job you didn't finish. Damn it, go help her. Kiss her nipples, nibble her ear, providing she finds that sexy. Heck, join in if you still have it in you. More than once have I ended up playing with her breasts while she sucks my cock and has one hand penetrating herself with a vibrator. That mental image just gave me an instant boner. Wait here a second while I pay the sperm bank a visit.

[caption id="attachment_109" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Well, that didn't go down too well"][/caption]

Okay, I'm back. Where was I?

Fuck this. I'm going to watch some porn while I masturbate some more.

Sex & The University

In the first year of uni in UK, I stayed on campus. Unlike Brunei, pretty much all student accommodation there is co-ed (i.e. boys and girls live together) unless you specifically request to be in a separate all-boys/girls hostel. Now this is where I am supposed to say to you, "no, it did not result in as much sex as you would think." And I'd be lying.

ALL of my neighbours were having sex. ALL of them. I know this because the walls might as well have been paper for their ability to insulate noise. This is the blueprint of my block in our sexpus (it's a cleverly-made portmanteau of sex and campus. I'm so clever). Notice the detail on the clouds (because England is always fucking raining).



Hold your applause. I know my artistic skills are incredible. There's no need to... Oh, you shouldn't. The flowers are completely unnecessary, but a nice touch.

Of course this sexbours (another clever portmanteau) situation would've been a nightmare if I wasn't getting any. Fortunately for me, I was (at the time I was with my ex). So this didn't bother me too much. Except for the loud Asian (possibly Chinese) couple on the third floor (you can't see it in the blueprint because I'm lazy). Have you seen any porn that involves a Japanese woman? It's a little like that, with less bukkake and pixelated penises. Maybe there was. Who knows. I wasn't in the room watching.

That Asian woman moaned during sex like she was researching a doctorate degree in The Loud Faking Of Orgasms: A Study Into The Practice Of Ego-Inflation Of Men By Over-Enthusiastic Sex Reactions. Okay, that's not fair. She might just be a loud sex siren. I don't know, I didn't ask. But damn it, they did it at least five freaking times a day. It's like some kind of vulgar, blasphemous call to prayer.

Some of my flatmates actually even knocked on their door several times during one of their wild love-making sessions, asking them to keep it down. They'd bow their head apologetically, with a smirk on their faces, and as soon as the door is closed, they'd continue on their extremely noisy adventures into Orgasmland.

Before you say I'm just jealous because they were having their five-a-day portions of loud, passionate, steamy sex, it wasn't like I was on a dry spell. My ex was so sexually demanding at the time that I actually felt like I was being used as a sex object. For any other man, this would sound awesome. In fact, thinking about it now (especially since I'm on a dry spell right now), that does indeed sound awesome. But I'm a "let's cuddle after sex" guy who likes holding hands while walking on the beach making footprints in the sand. I told my ex that I felt like I wanted more in the relationship than just staying in bed all day waiting for my next erection so she could ride on it, and the next erection, and the next, and the next.

It's ironic then one of the reasons we broke up was that our sex had become boring and unexciting. From being two perfectly compatible sexual beings into being extremely awkward in bed together.

Oh wow, that ended on a sour note, didn't it?

Note: The censored porn is taken from the series Censored Porn by the artist Von Brandis.

Objectum Sexuality

This morning, I tweeted this:

Objectosexuals fascinate me. I wonder what goes on in the mind of someone who is sexually attracted to inanimate objects

— Honest Bruneian (@HonestBruneian) March 18, 2012

I consider myself to be quite open-minded about sex. I don't judge fetishes, nor do I judge sexual orientation. There's not much that would disgust me. I've braved the world of 4chan and survived without being scarred for life. So for someone to fall in love with the Eiffel Tower and be sexually attracted to it doesn't seem farfetched to me.

[caption id="attachment_98" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Erika Eiffel & Her Spouse, the Eiffel Tower"][/caption]

One of the things that fascinated me about objectum sexuals most is the fact that before the invention of the internet, many objectum sexuals didn't even know that other objectum sexuals exist. Many grew up believing that they were the only ones, that they were freaks.

Below is an excellent documentary about objectum sexuality (OS) made by Channel Five in the UK. If you have 45 minutes to spare, give it a go.

[vimeo http://www.vimeo.com/19783541 w=400&h=225]

Strange Love: Married to the Eiffel Tower on Vimeo.

My girlfriend recommended this documentary to me last year. It's opened up a lot of questions I never even considered about sex.

If you're finding this post to be less humorous than usual, it's because I feel uncomfortable being judgmental of other people's sexual preference. I prefer talking about myself because the only person I'm judging is myself. But I feel like I should definitely share this, if only for you to form your own opinion on objectum sexuality and the way it might give a new perspective on your own sexual life.

Who knows, you might be a closet objectum sexual.

Sex, Drugs, and Squares

I don't take recreational drugs. Well, at least not regularly. I've only ever bought drugs once, and that was in Amsterdam, legally. Other times I'm just freeloading from my housemates, who are infinitely more amusing when they're high. We even started having a 'quote' book just to write in the ridiculous things people say when stoned.

One of the reasons I don't buy weed for myself is because I rarely get stoned from smoking joints. A little chilled, maybe even a little high, but never full-out stoned. My tolerance towards anything mind-altering is something I've known for a while. While I don't drink much, it takes a whole lot of alcohol for me to end up giving free hugs to homeless people and grinding with two men I don't know on the floor at a dodgy nightclub.

[caption id="attachment_90" align="aligncenter" width="510" caption="Like this, but all-male and less sex appeal"][/caption]

You know how people say when you're drunk, you get hornier but your sex organs don't function too well? That's half true for me. Usually after an unusually drunk night out (I don't have many of these, honest) the sex is more like a rumpus than a session of love-making.

The one thing I've never experienced while drunk is actually getting blacked out and not remembering anything from the night before. I've recorded a friend having sex in the students union toilet with someone we just met a few hours ago on video. I've rolled in cold, freezing mud with friends on an especially muddy field. I've sleighed down a snowy hill with a food tray. I've somersaulted onto concrete floors. I've kissed sweaty, shirtless, bearded men. In fact, for some of these I didn't even need alcohol (I'll let you decide which ones).

Now I'm aware that my drunk experiences might be mild compared to some of the more hardcore binge-drinkers. But this isn't a contest, so shut up.

Back to my time in Amsterdam. While we were there, we got space cakes, which is weed baked to make a cake. It's not the most delicious thing in the world, tasting like a mixture of corpse ash (not that I would know how that would taste like) and badly-made cake. My girlfriend and I bought it in a coffee shop somewhere in the Amsterdam city centre for less than 10 euros for two pieces.

[caption id="attachment_87" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Duuude, this is good coffee"][/caption]

Okay, before you ask, no, we did not go to Amsterdam because of the lax drug laws there (well, now it's not that relaxed anymore). In fact, we went to more art galleries than the marijuana-selling coffee shops. Now, let's return to the weed.

We were told that it usually takes an hour to take effect. And boy, did it. We were safe in the comfort of our hotel room when suddenly everything around me morphed into mosaics. It was like the whole room was made of 3-d pixels and I was in some sort of trippy music video for an 8-bit, chiptune band from New York. I felt like I was in a videogame in the 80's.

I was surprised because I didn't even know this could be a result of taking marijuana. I had assumed that all you got was very, very high and very, very chilled. At least that's what all the Bob Marley songs told me.

[caption id="attachment_91" align="aligncenter" width="510" caption="Like this, but with more pixels exploding in every direction, and oh, more sex"][/caption]

But no, I felt like the baker had secretly put in LSD or some shit like that. It was a colorful explosion of ever-morphing squares. And it wasn't just my visual experience that became affected. For a while, the only word I could say was 'squares'. I could process what my girlfriend was saying to me perfectly, but when I replied, all that came out was "squares squares squares, squares! squares squares?"

And that wasn't the best bit. The best bit was when my girlfriend decided that it would be the best time to give me a blowjob. And boy, there never was a righter decision made.

The mind-fucking euphoria of experiencing a million rainbow-coloured squares and the sensual overload of a mistress of oral sex at work combined to give what was one of the best single experiences of my life. I felt like I've reached an impossible level of pleasure, not meant to be experienced by a mere human being.

When I ejaculated, I saw millions of tiny squares shooting out of my penis, forming a gloriously pixelated fountain of colours. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed.

And that is one of the reasons why I really, really love blowjobs so much.

EDIT: Most of these stories on this post are from when I was studying overseas. So you know, don't go looking for dodgy nightclubs, snowy hills and homeless people in Brunei.

Making Love With Her Mouth

Happy Steak and Blowjob Day, Brunei!

My girlfriend gives the best blowjobs. I'm not just saying that because she's my girlfriend. I'm saying that because she genuinely does make sweet, awesome love with my cock using the loveliness that is her mouth. I exclaim this with much appreciation because my ex wasn't. I once had to explain to my ex that biting my cock isn't as exciting as she would think.

The biting usually happens when she gets over-enthusiastic. When she gets over-enthusiastic, the claws come out and I can expect my night to end up with Wolverine-like scars on my back. While the clawing does turn me on, the painful fellatio does not. My ex had also never made me cum in her mouth. Truth be told she wasn't very good at BJs, even when she wasn't sinking her teeth into my penis. But as a man eager to hold on to the fantasy of the awesomeness of the BJ, I would keep thinking the next blowie would be better. Unfortunately the blowjobs stayed mediocre for the rest of the relationship.

There was that one time where my ex did give me her most amazing one ever. I gave her quite precise instructions on how best to pleasure with the lips. Of course she promptly forgot all this and went back to shittyblowjobsville the next time she gave me one. I don't blame her, because she keeps making the effort. I'm guessing she wasn't that into blowjobs, even though she kept reassuring me that yes, she does like doing it.

My current girlfriend on the other hand, loves giving me the mouth business almost every time we have sex. This sounds like a fantasy girlfriend you've made up, I hear you say. Surely no girl likes giving blowjobs that often. That's why I consider myself to be extremely lucky (amongst other wonderful qualities that she has). Many a times have I experienced the joys of ejaculating into a woman's mouth because of this lovely human being.

Unfortunately, this Steak & Blowjob day, my girlfriend is thousands of miles away. You can see how this could be a problem. Phone blowjobs doesn't work as well as general phone sex. Yeah, I know right? What a bummer.

I am well aware that for many men, blowjobs are at a premium. Sometimes you wish you'd get one on your birthday, if you're extra nice that day. Maybe if that dinner out was especially romantic, there's a slim chance a blowie might happen. Or you watched some quite tasty porn together and she decides to go out of her comfort zone a little. I don't blame this on the women. Many women do find blowjobs degrading, or at the very least not a joy to do. For this, I say to men, make it a pleasant one. Shave, keep it clean, and don't jam your cock into her mouth like a plaything. And return the freaking favour.

Get your tongue in her pussy, right now. Seriously, go down on her and try your best to make her come. Many women would be more than happy for this kind of oral sex exchange.

Note: that Burger King ad is a real one, in case you were wondering.

Steak & Blowjob Day

This is one of my favourite 'holidays'. A month after Valentine's, we have Steak & Blowjob day. It's a day to commemorate how many men go out of their way to make Valentine's Day special for their partners. Society has conditioned (or more accurately, guilt-tripped) straight men to believing that if their relationship - and more importantly, Valentine's Day - isn't romantic, it's their fault for being horrible boyfriends/husbands/partner. I'm not sure how this applies generally to gay relationships, so I won't speculate.

In Brunei (and in many other places too), I hear people saying that men only want women for sex, or that if you're a somewhat attractive woman, all your guy friends want to have sex with you. It implies that men only see women as sexual objects. This is not true at all. True, most men would have sex with an attractive woman given the chance, and given that there are no consequences. Many men would fantasise about getting it on with their female friends/colleagues/acquaintances. But this does not make us perverts.

Even with occasional images of you all naked, slathered in massage oil ready to perform a full body-on-body massage popping in our heads, we do genuinely consider you as our friends too. There's no dishonesty in our friendship with you. We did not become friends with you for the sole intention of hopefully one day having your lovely lips wrapped around our hard cocks, although that would be a neat bonus.

Of course, there are exceptions. There are assholes, jerks, and cock-for-brains. But don't let that dirty the name of the rest of the straight male population.

Oh, if you're a woman who has had an exceptionally great Valentine's Day, remember, men need a reminder that they are loved too. Treat them to a steak and blowjob this 14th March.

Will Work For Money

Sometimes things get insane. These past few weeks have been insane for me. Work has been an absolute nightmare. I don't usually mind doing things that are out of the job description, as long as they're reasonable, but this is taking the piss. I would've quit if I wasn't on this exploitative scholarship bond with the government.

So they sign you up when you're naive, young and eager to get out of the country before you even know what the world is about, and they slap you with half a decade to work under them. Yes, I signed the contract. It was partly my fault (to a bigger degree) I agreed to it. And to be honest, I don't regret it. I'm just annoyed at where it has got me. There were options of where I could've ended up, but the choice was essentially not mine to make.

I know a lot of people survive this situation by doing things they love on the side. To them, the government bond is a way to earn the money they can use to open up the business they wanted/sponsor their blogging escapades/start up activist organisations/form their own band. That's all well and good. In fact, I have my own way of spending that government money for myself. And I enjoy it.

[caption id="attachment_27" align="alignnone" width="234" caption="Will Work For Money"][/caption]

Let's Talk About Sex, Brunei

I wonder, where do people get it on when they want to have sex? Of course there are the hotels and their own houses when parents are gone, but what about those who either can't afford hotels, or their parents are always home? I'd like to imagine women giving handjobs to guys or guys stealing cheeky gropes while they drive, or couples stopping at empty parking lots at forest reserves just to do their thing. I find that image quite amusing.

What I don't find amusing is the fact that sex is so taboo here. I have a sneaky feeling that a substantial percentage of unmarried people in Brunei aren't virgins. Yet it's not something you'd talk about freely, at least not with someone you'd absolutely trust. I'm not convinced of people's justifications of why pre-marital sex shouldn't happen. All if not most of those problems can be fixed with good sex education (or life skills, as it is called here), good and open parenting, and safe sex.

I haven't had sex for a few months. It's quite a frustrating feeling. This has resulted in me coming up with slightly tech-y ways of circumventing the country's ban of porn sites. It's not even that hard to work around. Many of my masturbatory sessions have been made possible by the wonderful Tor.

Von Brandis's Censored Porn

I have an affinity for amateur porn. It just feels more real, giving us a more reachable goal to aim for. Professional porn can be appealing sometimes, but the over-excited moans and OTT faces turn me off quite quickly. The big cocks and even bigger boobs... They become distracting even. It makes me think, oh god, why are those things so big? What normal human beings have cocks that long and huge and boobs that massive and round?

Boobs shouldn't be big footballs. They should be fun things to suckle on and carress. Oh well, I guess big, giant boobs do turn on quite a lot of people. Who am I to dictate how they should make porn.

An Honest Bruneian

So It Has Come To This

I'm a polite, well-mannered, rational person. Or at least I'd like to think so. In this blog, I will sometimes fail to appear so.

This blog will be my outlet. It will serve as the place in which I'll share the thoughts that I cannot share to people who know who I am because:

1) of religious sensitivity

2) of violent reprisals

3) possible threats to people I care about

4) social mores

5) possibly being made an outcast

Is this the coward's way to do it? Maybe. But the wise knows to pick their fights. I also think that who I am (on my identity card, passport, etc) is not a necessary detail to understand what I say and what I feel.

Welcome, and happy reading,

[caption id="attachment_18" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="let's get this thing off the ground"][/caption]

An Honest Bruneian